86 Funny Coffee Quotes If Coffee Doesn’t Put a Smile in the Morning

two mugs with coffee on table

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Nothing like a cup of coffee in the morning to get you through the day, why not add laughter to your mornings and make it a better one?

Here are all the best coffee quotes we love. Enrich your coffee day with clever, beautiful, funny coffee quotes:

Funny coffee quotes

 “May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.”-Anonymous

 “Three cups of coffee a day keeps the doctor away!”-Anonymous

 “Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.”-Earl Wilson

 “A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.”-Alfred Renyi

“Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.”-Barista Life

 “Coffee helps me maintain my ‘never killed anyone streak.’”-Anonymous

“I put coffee in my coffee.”-Anonymous

 “The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.”-Anonymous

”I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.”-Lewis Black

”If you are not coffee, chocolate or bacon, I’m going to need you to go away.”-Anonymous

“When my blood runs black as the moonless night, and my heartbeat sounds as the Warriors march, only then may you say, I’ve had enough coffee.”-Anonymous

“You should know that before 10 am, no matter what the question is, my answer is always coffee.”-Anonymous

“Sometimes I go hours without drinking coffee…it’s called sleeping.”-Anonymous

 “It’s strange how drinking  cups of water seems impossible but 8 cups of coffee go down like a chubby kid on a see-saw.”-Anonymous

“Life without coffee is like something without something…sorry, I haven’t had any coffee yet.”-Anonymous

“I like my coffee like I like myself: strong, sweet, and too hot for you.”-Jac Vanek

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”-Abraham Lincoln

 “Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?”-Jean Kerr

“Without coffee, nothing gets written. Period.”-Nancy Kress

“My coffee machine is the most beautiful person in the world to me.”-Anonymous

“Sometimes I stay up so late that I have my morning coffee before I go to bed.”-Anonymous

“Everyone should believe in something. I believe I will have another coffee.”-Anonymous

“7 days without coffee makes one WEAK.-Anonymous

“I’m going to start measuring the complexity of coding tasks in coffee cups. This was a five-espresso algorithm.”-Anonymous

“Doctors found traces of blood in my coffee stream.”-Anonymous

“Coffee! Is the planet shaking or is just me?”-Anonymous

”I think if I were a woman I’d wear coffee as a perfume.”-John Van Druten

 “I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.”-Anonymous

 “SYS Not Found: User startup disabled.”-Anonymous

“Wanna hear a joke? Decaf.”-Anonymous

”Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s caffeine.”-Anonymous

“Drink coffee and pretend to know what you’re doing.”-Anonymous

 “My birthstone is a coffee bean.”-Anonymous

”It’s coffee o’clock.”-Anonymous

“I’m holding a cup of coffee, so yeah, I’m pretty busy.”-Anonymous

 “Coffee, because adulting is hard.”-Anonymous

 “Coffee owns me, and I’m fine with that.”-Anonymous

 “As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?”-Cassandra Clare

“Some of the world’s most effective thoughts happen over a brew of morning’s coffee”-Prabhukrishna M

“Way too much coffee. But if it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.”-David Letterman

“I would rather suffer from coffee than be senseless.”-Napoleon Bonaparte

 “Coffee is a language in itself”-Jackie Chan

“I was taken by the power that savoring a simple cup of coffee can have to connect people and create community.”-Howard Schultz

 “People don’t stop eating, and they don’t stop drinking coffee.”-Magic Johnson

 “When traveling with someone, take large dose of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee.”-Helen Hayes

“Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee.”-Stephanie Piro

“He was my cream, and I was his coffee – And when you poured us together, it was something.”-Josephine Baker

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“Adventure in life is good; consistency in coffee even better.”-Justina Chen

“It’s amazing how the world begins to change through the eyes of a cup of coffee.”-Donna A. Favors

“The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.”-James Mackintosh

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”-Abraham Lincoln

 “I could smell myself awake with that coffee.”-Jaesse Tyler

“Coffee first. Schemes later.”-Leanna Renee Hieber

 “The second cup of coffee is never as good as the first.”-Theodore Roosevelt

“Once you wake up and smell the coffee, it’s hard to go back to sleep.”-Fran Drescher

 “I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee.”-Carly Simon

“I can’t imagine a day without coffee. I can’t imagine!”-Howard Schultz

“The morning cup of coffee has an exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce.”-Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Coffee is good for talent, but genius wants prayer.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Coffee, the favorite drink of the civilized world.”Thomas Jefferson

“If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.”-Mae West

“Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.”-Edward Abbey

“Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.”-Terry Pratchett

“Good communication is just as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.”-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

“Coffee is the common man’s gold, and like gold, it brings to every person the feeling of luxury and nobility.”-Sheik-Abd-al-Kadir

 “lack coffee must be strong and very hot; if strong coffee does not agree with you, do not drink black coffee. And if you do not drink black coffee, do not drink any coffee at all.”-Andre Simon

“Coffee was a food in that house, not a drink.”-Patricia Hampl

“A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don’t later fray.”-Marcia Carrington

“No coffee can be good in the mouth that does not first send a sweet offering of odor to the nostrils.”-Henry Ward Beecher

“Coffee in England always tastes like a chemistry experiment.”-Agatha Christie

“I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.”-Lewis Black

“I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee.”-Terri Guillemets

“The coffee was so strong it snarled as it lurched out of the pot.”-Betty MacDonald

“Without my morning coffee, I’m just like a dried-up piece of goat.”-Johann Sebastian Bach

“Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank.”-Alphonse Allais

“Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all.”-David Lynch

 “I never laugh until I’ve had my coffee.”-Clark Gable

 “I think if I were a woman I’d wear coffee as a perfume.”-John William Van Druten

 “Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.”-Earl Wilson

“No matter what historians claimed, BC really stood for Before Coffee.”-Cherise Sinclair

“I don’t see the point in caffeine without coffee. Or coffee without caffeine, for that matter.”-Robyn Schneider

“Given enough coffee I could rule the world.”-Terry Pratchett

“There’s nothing sweeter than a cup of bitter coffee.”-Rian Aditia

“It turned out people truly did cry into their coffee cups.”-Jodi Picoult

“The coffee is prepared in such a way that it makes those who drink it witty: at least there is not a single soul who, on quitting the house, does not believe himself four times wittier that when he entered it.”-Charles de Secondat Montesquieu

 “Coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical.”-Jonathan Swift

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Self-proclaimed coffee drinker. I would, on a typical day, start my day by grinding my coffee with a manual grinder and use a French Press as a starter (2 cups), then a pour-over in the afternoon (4 cups). I had my fair share as a barista but I prefer to drink it, not serve it.